Who Am I?

First Impression.

I was very nervous on the first day of class this semester. I knew I was only going to observe a class and not teach but I still was extremely nervous. I had arrived in Muncie from Kenya a few days before. After spending more than 24 hours travelling, I was immensely jetlagged and completely disoriented. I was tired and confused and my body betrayed me. I came to class a few minutes late (after missing the bus from my apartment and having no internet access on my phone, I had no idea how otherwise to get to school) and the moment I stepped in class I couldn’t help but notice how I stuck out. I was the only international student in class and more so the only African. I was obviously different from everyone else. But what did I expect anyway? This is of course, what I expected to find and yet the reality still unsettled me, I felt I wasn’t prepared enough for this. When my mentor introduced me, I was extremely aware of the scrutiny. I could tell most of the students had not interacted with an African person before, leave alone being taught by one. Maybe it’s just me but I felt like the students looked past me, beside me, maybe hoping to see someone else. I felt they had some doubt. From this moment I knew I had to prove myself to them, prove my credentials and my capacity to help them academically. Since then I have had opportunities to interact directly with the students. I have talked to them and joined them in their group discussions. I have also been in front of the class twice. This has somehow changed their first impression of me.

My body in the Classroom.

                                      

             In this picture, I was doing a PowerPoint presentation on visual rhetoric analysis. I am talking about a commercial video we were about to watch and analyze. I appear nervous by the way my hands are locked together. I think I was trying to compose myself. My standing posture shows I am looking at the video. I am standing on the side so as not to block the students’ view. I have on a blue dress and a black jacket. I always dress up when I am teaching. I think the way I dress before students is very important since it distinguishes me from the students and establishes me as the figure of authority in the classroom. My eye contact is obviously not correct. Since I had not started playing the video yet, I could have maintained eye contact with the students as I introduced them to what they were required to do about the video. As a teacher, I have come to believe that it is good to be friendly but firm. Form an atmosphere where students see me as approachable and friendly, but at the same time maintain the status quo of teacher and students. Sometimes I adopt a smiley face (which may be awkward at times) because I feel it kind of helps the students to relax.

Sometimes people are surprised by the fact that I am a TA in the English department. To them, it is unusual to have someone who is not a native speaker of English teach composition to native speakers of English. Well, they might be right (another reason for me to prove myself). Though not explicit, I feel some students may have similar sentiments. Last academic year, I was a primary teacher of Swahili at Tulane University. I was totally in my niche and no one expressed any doubt about my competence. After all, I was teaching my native language. Teaching at Tulane laid a good foundation for me to understand the classroom dynamics in the U.S. This also motivated me to take the teaching assistantship offer at Ball State because I felt I was up to the task.

My identity;  it matters.

I am obviously very different from the students. Not just in my appearance but also by the virtue of my culture. If there is something that I am yet to get past (and maybe will never do) is the culture shock I experienced here in the U.S. I react to issues in a different way, eat different kinds of food, sometimes I dress in African attire which sets me apart, our values and norms are also different, my childhood experiences and early schooling experiences have nothing in common to the students’ experiences. I can definitely relate to Kimberly Wallace-Sanders’ idea of race and gender in her essay “A vessel of Possibilities: Teaching through the expectant body.” I am often extremely aware of my body and how other people view me. (Wallace-Sanders 193). When I first came to the United States, a friend confided in me that ladies who keep their hair short are often seen as lesbian. Coming from a society where my hair had nothing to do with my gender orientation, this at first shocked me. Nevertheless, I still keep my hair short to this day because I like it that way, this is who I am. I want my class to embrace this two sides, my culture and there’s, and make a conducive learning experience for all of us. I want my students to know my identity at appreciate the different aspect of culture that I bring to class.

Another distinctive identity is my language. It is sometimes frustrating when I have to repeat myself over and over for someone to get what I am saying. At first when I talked to the students in class, some of them struggled to understand me. But with time, I can tell they now are able to do so. When I am talking to them and feel like they haven’t understood me I always repeat myself. I want to help my students to understand me. I speak four languages: English, Swahili and two other vernacular languages; Kabras and Idakho. Swahili influences my English a lot because it is a Bantu language. I also speak British English and sometimes I have different names for an item for example carpark vs parking lot, or different spellings for some words like center vs centre. This also affects how people understand me. In informal cases, I express myself better when I mix both English and Swahili in my speech.

Striking a balance.

I feel being myself is important is establishing my identity in the classroom. I need my students to know and understand that I am different from them. I speak a different native language. I am from a different continent. I never schooled in the U.S. I am a person of color who sometimes face discrimination on the basis of race. Nevertheless, I am a teacher, I am able to add value to their academic life. I am a friend they can talk to when in need of a listening ear. I am also a student like them, who is dealing with the pressure of classes, assignments and deadlines. As Kimberly Wallace-Sanders puts it, “the teaching body is not supposed to matter because it is merely a vessel for the mind at work in the classroom” (Wallace-Sanders 188). I want my students to know I may be different in many ways but we can always strike a balance and have a healthy and productive interaction in the classroom.